Now it may seem a bit strange for me to be saying this at the age of 40. I mean, I always knew I was sensitive, I was a sensitive child, a sensitive angsty teenager and my former sister-in-law told me the only issue that there might be between me and my then-husband was that we were both too sensitive (turned out she was right).
But right now, I've hit an age where I'm trying to 'find myself', what a cliche! I'm divorced, have no children, live on my own paying my own mortgage and I'm not fulfilled at work. So, what next? Where's the meaning? I've recently been signed-off work, which I did not want, but my life-long anxieties have got the better of me again. The pressure of life, of the thoughts rolling around in my head, just got too much.
I've always been anxious, I think. When I was five I cried at school because I forgot my recorder and when mum brought it to me, I'd already had the lesson with a school recorder. I felt so bad for her, I was sobbing in the playground. Is that anxiety or sensitivity or is it all just rolled up in the same thing?
Over the years I've learnt to manage pretty well. At 24 I was diagnosed with OCD and also started taking medication for depression. I thought I was going crazy for years until I finally broke down to my doctor saying I had horrible thoughts about harming, and was I going mad? He explained that these intrusive thoughts are OCD - I couldn't believe it, I thought OCD was about compulsive hand-washing and lining things up. I was so grateful to know that I had a real condition that I'd suffered with silently for years.
So I've managed - with medication, CBT, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, self-help books, seeing psychics and weekend retreats. I've tried everything in desperation. 'Desperate' is the only way to describe it. It really feels like being on the edge of life with no hope.
But when I'm feeling better I start to drop my coping mechanisms, thinking that I'm better for good. But it never goes away. Now I'm back on the SSRI Fluoxetine and I'm moving ahead slowly. Today my boyfriend of only 6 months (I can't believe he's still around with all this going on!) asked me if I'd be on the medication for a while. I had to explain; yes honey, a long, long while.
And today, while doing some reading I came across some information about Madisyn Taylor who, with her husband, founded DailyOm.com (of course I'm a fan of the site) and her story of being a highly sensitive person really resonated with me. I thought "Wow, that's me!" She explains that early in her career she always worked for other people and couldn't stand being cooped up in an office and felt overstimulated by too many people. This was a relief to read. That's how I feel. No wonder I feel sick at work and exhausted from trying to manage me and who I am to fit my surroundings.
I now know that I need to change my surroundings and find a way that I can help people by being who I am.
I hope to soon watch Sensitive - the Untold Story - a documentary about highly sensitive people. The trailer states that 20% of people are highly sensitive. I'm so glad I'm not alone.
Maybe one day, my experiences can help others. That's my wish.
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