... I bought five vials of donor sperm

Today I met my friend who has just had her second son. We had coffee and a long chat and I had cute baby cuddles.

We've got quite a lot in common; we do the same job - in fact we did the same job in two of the same organisations at different times, we enjoy movies, prosecco nights and travelling the world.

We had a really good catch-up talking freely about lots of different things. I told her about finding out I'm a highly sensitive person, about being signed-off work and what my future options might be - possibly going part time, short-term contract work or writing freelance as she plans to do when her maternity leave ends.

But, the big question I wanted to ask her was: "If you were in my position, knowing what you know having had two children, would you try and go it alone if that was your only choice?"

She answered "Yes" without hesitation, saying she would regret not having tried to have the opportunity to have this (looking lovingly at her baby in her arms).

So, why am I hesitating?

At the beginning of this year I was asking myself a lot of the questions I'm asking now. "What's my purpose?" "What does it all mean?" I was tying myself up in knots thinking about leaving my job and going travelling or wondering if I'd meet someone and be able to try for a family.

Then I met a woman who at my age had decided that for her, single at 39, she would go it alone with donor sperm. She explained that changing your job, travelling etc could always happen, but at the age of 39 there was a chance you could miss the boat to have a family.

I've never been the kind of person who was desperate to have children. As a teenager I always said I didn't want them at all, but at the back of my mind I never really believed that one day in the future I wouldn't. Until now.

When I was married, I miscarried. Seven years tomorrow in fact. I didn't get pregnant again, my then-husband didn't want to. And I've never got over the grief of losing my baby.

So, in January I started researching donor sperm, fertility treatment, IUI and IVF. I went to open days at clinics, talked to different friends who had used donor sperm for their own reasons, had blood tests done, joined the Donor Conception Network, and threw myself into having a baby. It seemed like my only life choice at that time. By the end of March I'd spent thousands of pounds of hard earned savings on five vials of donor sperm, fertility drugs, test and appointments.

Then, I needed a break. I'd pushed myself too far and decided not to move on with the treatment until the following month. I was nervous about going it alone.

And then...I met someone. Someone older who'd I'd known for a long time, with three grown up children and two grandchildren. We finally clicked at a birthday party. He knew about my plans but right then they were 'on hold'. They've been on hold now for six months. We've hardly spoken about the plans since. But they're still there at the back of my mind.

So, what do I do? I don't really want to go it alone, but I doubt he'll hang around. Do I take my friend's advice and jump in with both feet? I'd risk losing him, but as she said, if that's the case he's not the right one anyway. Or should I just move on and enjoy a life child-free?

My head hurts with trying to make a decision (not something highly sensitive people are good at!). But maybe my friend is right - regret what you have done in life, not what you haven't done.

... I realised that I'm a highly sensitive person

Now it may seem a bit strange for me to be saying this at the age of 40. I mean, I always knew I was sensitive, I was a sensitive child, a sensitive angsty teenager and my former sister-in-law told me the only issue that there might be between me and my then-husband was that we were both too sensitive (turned out she was right).

But right now, I've hit an age where I'm trying to 'find myself', what a cliche! I'm divorced, have no children, live on my own paying my own mortgage and I'm not fulfilled at work. So, what next? Where's the meaning? I've recently been signed-off work, which I did not want, but my life-long anxieties have got the better of me again. The pressure of life, of the thoughts rolling around in my head, just got too much.

I've always been anxious, I think. When I was five I cried at school because I forgot my recorder and when mum brought it to me, I'd already had the lesson with a school recorder. I felt so bad for her, I was sobbing in the playground. Is that anxiety or sensitivity or is it all just rolled up in the same thing?

Over the years I've learnt to manage pretty well. At 24 I was diagnosed with OCD and also started taking medication for depression. I thought I was going crazy for years until I finally broke down to my doctor saying I had horrible thoughts about harming, and was I going mad? He explained that these intrusive thoughts are OCD - I couldn't believe it, I thought OCD was about compulsive hand-washing and lining things up. I was so grateful to know that I had a real condition that I'd suffered with silently for years.

So I've managed - with medication, CBT, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, self-help books, seeing psychics and weekend retreats. I've tried everything in desperation. 'Desperate' is the only way to describe it. It really feels like being on the edge of life with no hope.

But when I'm feeling better I start to drop my coping mechanisms, thinking that I'm better for good. But it never goes away. Now I'm back on the SSRI Fluoxetine and I'm moving ahead slowly. Today my boyfriend of only 6 months (I can't believe he's still around with all this going on!) asked me if I'd be on the medication for a while. I had to explain; yes honey, a long, long while.

And today, while doing some reading I came across some information about Madisyn Taylor who, with her husband, founded DailyOm.com (of course I'm a fan of the site) and her story of being a highly sensitive person really resonated with me. I thought "Wow, that's me!" She explains that early in her career she always worked for other people and couldn't stand being cooped up in an office and felt overstimulated by too many people. This was a relief to read. That's how I feel. No wonder I feel sick at work and exhausted from trying to manage me and who I am to fit my surroundings.

I now know that I need to change my surroundings and find a way that I can help people by being who I am.

I hope to soon watch Sensitive - the Untold Story - a documentary about highly sensitive people. The trailer states that 20% of people are highly sensitive. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Maybe one day, my experiences can help others. That's my wish.