... I stayed home alone on Saturday night

I'm incredibly lonely. I know I can look after myself but I'd loved to be looked after for a change. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired full stop really. Just to have a cuddle would be lovely and someone to share things with. I really miss human contact. I'm not sure what to do now. It's been three years and I haven't met anyone special. The people I do meet just aren't right. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I'm scared. My heart is closed and I need to be strong enough to open it but when I do I just get hurt again. I don't want to be strong anymore.

...the guy who was nicest to me was polyamorous

I'm really not sure what's going on sometimes. I've been single for three years and I've dated but not met anyone special. 

I've had a fling with an English friend who has a girlfriend that he promises he'll leave but never will (I should know better - I'm always telling my friends off for getting involved in things like that), I met a French guy who I adored who said lovely things but was pretty indifferent in his actions, met guys who turned into stalkers - one Egyptian and one Irish, and now the one (Finnish) who is kind and caring and complimentary is fucking polyamorous and has a wife and kid and also dating four other people!

It's just getting too confusing. I know polyamory isn't for me so I had to call

it off to look after myself from anymore disappointment. But what a shame. He was so lovely and sweet saying he hopes I know I'm fantastic. 

Well I don't, I definitely don't feel fantastic, or special, or loved, or wanted. 

"What next?" I wonder. Might be time to hibernate for the winter and not pop my head up until spring blooms. 

Xx

... I tried to find my voice

Not sure what I'm doing here but I have a lot to say. For some reason I can't write it down. Which is weird because I write for a living - but about other people.

When I had a viva interview for my degree the examiner said she liked the way I write. That may be why I got a first. 

When I took a non-fiction writing course when living in New York I could reel off a magazine-style article without even thinking. But I could not write personal experience pieces to save my life. 

I'm a natural communicator - can speak to anyone. I always have a new anecdote for friends and family. Somehow crazy shit is attracted to me. So I want to record it here, but it doesn't feel natural. 

Maybe I should record myself speaking and transcribe it here. Cringing all the way! 

...my lodger had a shower at 1am

I mean really? Really? Who does that?!