Today I met my friend who has just had her second son. We had coffee and a long chat and I had cute baby cuddles.
We've got quite a lot in common; we do the same job - in fact we did the same job in two of the same organisations at different times, we enjoy movies, prosecco nights and travelling the world.
We had a really good catch-up talking freely about lots of different things. I told her about finding out I'm a highly sensitive person, about being signed-off work and what my future options might be - possibly going part time, short-term contract work or writing freelance as she plans to do when her maternity leave ends.
But, the big question I wanted to ask her was: "If you were in my position, knowing what you know having had two children, would you try and go it alone if that was your only choice?"
She answered "Yes" without hesitation, saying she would regret not having tried to have the opportunity to have this (looking lovingly at her baby in her arms).
So, why am I hesitating?
At the beginning of this year I was asking myself a lot of the questions I'm asking now. "What's my purpose?" "What does it all mean?" I was tying myself up in knots thinking about leaving my job and going travelling or wondering if I'd meet someone and be able to try for a family.
Then I met a woman who at my age had decided that for her, single at 39, she would go it alone with donor sperm. She explained that changing your job, travelling etc could always happen, but at the age of 39 there was a chance you could miss the boat to have a family.
I've never been the kind of person who was desperate to have children. As a teenager I always said I didn't want them at all, but at the back of my mind I never really believed that one day in the future I wouldn't. Until now.
When I was married, I miscarried. Seven years tomorrow in fact. I didn't get pregnant again, my then-husband didn't want to. And I've never got over the grief of losing my baby.
So, in January I started researching donor sperm, fertility treatment, IUI and IVF. I went to open days at clinics, talked to different friends who had used donor sperm for their own reasons, had blood tests done, joined the Donor Conception Network, and threw myself into having a baby. It seemed like my only life choice at that time. By the end of March I'd spent thousands of pounds of hard earned savings on five vials of donor sperm, fertility drugs, test and appointments.
Then, I needed a break. I'd pushed myself too far and decided not to move on with the treatment until the following month. I was nervous about going it alone.
And then...I met someone. Someone older who'd I'd known for a long time, with three grown up children and two grandchildren. We finally clicked at a birthday party. He knew about my plans but right then they were 'on hold'. They've been on hold now for six months. We've hardly spoken about the plans since. But they're still there at the back of my mind.
So, what do I do? I don't really want to go it alone, but I doubt he'll hang around. Do I take my friend's advice and jump in with both feet? I'd risk losing him, but as she said, if that's the case he's not the right one anyway. Or should I just move on and enjoy a life child-free?
My head hurts with trying to make a decision (not something highly sensitive people are good at!). But maybe my friend is right - regret what you have done in life, not what you haven't done.
